I’ve had a few people encourage me to write a blog, but have hesitated for a couple of reasons:
Am I the only person who spent MONTHS pondering ‘the precise moment’ one BEGINS writing a blog? Should I wait until the new year rolls around? Perhaps I should start on my birthday. Is it customary to debut one’s most intimate, private thoughts on an otherwise unremarkable day? Is my husband right about me being a hopeless, over-analytical perfectionist, who lacks focus & has a tendency to emotionally and psychologically overwhelm herself to the point it can be physically incapacitating? Did I just refer to myself in third person? She moves in mysterious ways.
The TRUTH is I have the privilege of mothering an extraordinarily intelligent, loving, amusing, and indescribably inquisitive 6 yr old boy. So far, I’ve managed to limit my verbal outbursts to “Gosh Doggit!” and “Frankenstein!” I’ve learned to embrace this challenge, as the thrill of unleashing a methodical, carefully calculated, articulate assault and/or annihilation parallels multiple orgasms.
But I digress…
I swear. No, really. In fact, I find it pretty fucking therapeutic to offend the dog dick fucking shit out of the copious number of intellectually retarded, imbecilic, illiterate, dumbfuck, redneck, pious, self-righteous, idiotic, clueless, ignorant, asswad-fuck-faced-douche-bags I am forced to share the planet with. These assholes are entitled to vote, speak freely (usually in some unrecognizable, shorthand-version dialect), and breed without a license. FUCK. THAT. I have been politically correct my entire life. I have been kind, trusting, compassionate, considerate, generous, forgiving, and all of those other warm & fuzzy fucking adjectives. I won’t be pussy-footing around. I’m calling it like I see it. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Fuck, I love Jack. They just don’t make em’ like they used to.
The internet is most excellent, but I knew I was in for the ride of my life the very first day I became socially connected with my mother-in-law and she began interrogating me about a couple of my male ‘friends’. To this day, she forwards me the most ridiculous emails, “URGENT” political bullshit, or another terminally ill kid with a familiar face and a familiar dying wish. I’ve explained Snopes. I’ve explained Google. Obviously, she doesn’t give two fucks, BUT she likes polluting MY inbox with that fucking nonsense. On a few occasions, I have been so outraged, offended or just fucking irritated enough to call her on the emails & ‘educate’ her. The reaction is ALWAYS the same: “Really!? Oh my! But ‘so-in-so’ sent that to me and she’s so smart. I just assumed she verified that before she forwarded it to me”. “Um…no. Like I said the last 4 times we had this same fucking stupid ass conversation, these chain emails are only as powerful as the fucking morons perpetuating the ignorance. And the ignorance can only be perpetuated by pressing FORWARD/SEND. Fucktard.” Okay, I don’t REALLY say that, but I WANT TO. For that reason, I’m keeping my blog somewhat anonymous. If any friends or family members, including my mother-in-law, should fall upon this blog, I’d like to say in advance….
I’m a nymphomaniac, too.
I realize the force will not be strong at all times. With the world as my canvas, there are truly no limits. I have a growing passion for many things, and an intolerance for those who willfully and actively pursue the repression of personal freedom. Live & let live. Clean the mountain of dog shit out of your front yard instead of protesting because your neighbor’s mailbox is 1/100th” over the boundary line. Shut the fuck up & don’t be such an asshole. I’ll probably mention things like this a lot. Oh..and morons. Especially morons. If you’ve managed to read this far, I’d like to personally thank you. Hopefully, I’ve duly entertained you or grossly offended you; both of which I consider a personal victory. Thank you, and please come again.
P.S. I’m addicted to CHOCOLATE.